5 Stages of Bar(f) Grief

When someone loses something close to them, they often go through the five stages of grief. Each person spends different lengths of time working through each step. Each person will experience each stage more or less intensely than another. Although the five stages do not necessarily occur in order, we often move between stages before achieving the peaceful acceptance of truth. Awareness of each stage can help an individual cope with their loss so they can move on with their life. 

I have lost something important to me. My fellow graduates and I are mourning our loss and relying on each other to keep our heads held high.  

Who have we lost? Her name was Freedom.  We would spend our evenings on Pearl Street looking for the best happy hour in town. We would spend our days soaking up Boulder's sun (or rain... or smoke). Sometimes we would just stay at home and watch an entire season of True Blood while day drinking.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

I miss her... Mostly because it is my fault that she is gone. Although I had the opportunity to keep her around for one last summer, I snubbed my nose and turned the other way.

So now, with my friends and colleagues, we fight through the five states of grief in search of peace.

Denial

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
— Bill Watterson

As the bar exam gets closer and closer, denial is becoming more and more prevalent.

"Psh... I don't have to start memorizing that yet. It's not even July.... 
What's that you say?.... 
It's July 7? ...
.... hmm...
Imma fail."

Sitting alone. In a study room. Cussing at the stupid, mousy woman who is supposedly teaching me Corporations. (I hate her, I hate her, I hate her) How are ALL of the things, in ALL of these books supposed to fit inside inside my tiny ADHD plagued brain? I can't remember what I had for breakfast. How am I supposed to remember the difference between a LLC,  a LLP,  a LP and LMNOP?

This is simply NOT happening.

Anger

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."
— Gloria Steinem

Yesterday I actually punched my law exam book. Punching a book is not smart. My sissy fist lost and my hand throbbed for the next three hours. I was pissed off at my brain for not understanding mortgages, so I did what any reasonable human would do; I slammed the book shut, punched it will all my might, and cried for ten minutes.

Fuck the Bar Exam. Fuck law. FUCK mortgages.

Bargaining

"Dreams don't come true. Dreams die. Dreams get compromised. Dreams end up dealing meth in a booth at the back of the Olive Garden. Dreams choke to death on bay leaves. Dreams get spleen cancer."
— Douglas Coupland (The Gum Thief)

I can't really start the "bargaining phase" until after the Bar Exam. That's when I will start the two month long spiral of regrets. The imminent realization of all the things I should have done.

The moment when I turn the page and see a Wills & Trusts essay question and think to myself, "Son. of. a. Bitch. All I remember is a testatrix is the lady version of testator. Ooooooh... it's like a dominatrix moonlighting as a wills attorney for the old and decrepit ... in her tiny leather outfit. Then she persuades the old man to convey all of his gaudy gold rings and man thongs to her.... DAMNIT BRAIN SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP."

Until that painful moment, I'd like to address the "bargaining phase" in a manner more applicable to my current state of mind:

"Running out of time, running out of time, running out of time... Soooooo I'll just ignore those three subjects and spend more time on the other ones. That will make up for not knowing anything about the other three.... right?"

OR

"Ok brain... if you go over that last 10 pages of this God forsaken Wills outline, I will reward you with a beer, ok?"

Depression

"And then something invisible snapped insider her, 

and that which had come together commenced to fall apart."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

"Whyyyyy did I go to law school? I hate myself."

"Whyyyyy didn't I drop out of law school? I am so stooooopid ."

"Whyyyyy am I taking this test? I clearly enjoy pain and suffering."

"Whyyyyy did I go out drinking? IT'S LIKE YOU ARE AIMING FOR FAILURE."

The "depression" section really doesn't need it's own section. Isn't this implied for every stage of grief?

Acceptance

"For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain."
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I got my admittance badge in the mail yesterday. Seat number 999 (666 upside down, soooo yet another sign that I am destined to fail).

This is really happening, isn't it?

The last 21 years of school finally amounts to this one, single, shit-storm of a test? Yup.



With the death of Freedom (R.I.P) in the past, the five stages of grief (Bar Edition) in the present, and seventeen days of study-hell in my future (Imma barf), there is only one thing left to say:

BRING. IT. ON..... BI-OTCH. 

Droppin' Post-Graduation Knowledge

I graduated law school. Hooray?

Ok, ok I am ecstatic, but I still have the dreaded bar exam looming over me.

This post is dedicated to shining a light on what I learned over the past three years. I will also offer a bit of advice for future law students, 2Ls and 3Ls.

Law School Grades are Bullshit
If you think that a year of non-stop studying, sobriety and diligence will get you straight As, you are wrong. When I spent the majority of class time on gchat, failed to purchase the book, and attended class three drinks deep, I scored that prize "A". The classes that I spent countless hours outlining, reading supplements and taking notes resulted in disappointment, tears, and streams of curse words.

Arbitrary Grades! FTW!

My Advice: Do you work, show up to class, blah blah blah, but don't sacrifice your last three years of college (2.0) to be a slave to the books.


Law School = High School with More Alcohol. 
We have lockers. We make best friends. There is drama. We drink. That makes more drama... we drink more.

On the aforementioned lockers with friends.

My advice: You are shit out of luck, princess. Unless you are over 40, a recluse, or simply the most boring person on the planet, you will get sucked in to the Jersey Shore-esq bullshit. Just ride the roller coaster o' craziness and hold on tight

Work Hard, Play Harder
I wasn't kidding. Have some damn fun.

Bonus: Maybe my undergrad was prudish, but I didn't know it was possible to have the school pay for booze. Granted it is usually at a reception or hosted by a student group, but come on. Weekly. Free. Alcohol.

Margarita n' Mustashio

My advice: Don't take Friday classes. I don't care if it's Advanced Coloring. You're usually brain dead by Friday anyway. (I sure as hell was.)


Appreciate and Recognize
The first thing law school did was turn me in it a heinous, argumentative bitch. I argue about EVERYTHING. That isn't the main point. It is recognizing that I've turned in to an argumentative, snarky mutha' trucker and appreciating all of you that put up with me during the process.

My advice: Suck it up and apologize. Let's be real; it was probably my fault.


Non-Law School Buddies are Mandatory
Not permissive, optional, suggested or implied. MAND-A-FUCKIN'-TORY. Why? Because you will remember that the stupid shit you say and do are not tolerated, encouraged or even comprehensible in the regular non-legal world. For example:

Have you ever listed out points of an argument? "One, you were late. Two, you forgot the flowers. Three, this is the second time this has happened in a week, Four, you smell like ass..."

Fellow cast members from the musical, The Wild Party.

My advice:  I think it's pretty clear on this topic, don't you?

Get Up

If you fell victim to the "freshman fifteen" get your fat jeans ready for the "first year forty." Transferring to a day full of sitting, reading, sitting, listening, sitting, drinking will double your pant size in no time. Seriously though... I blimped like Oprah after a fad diet.

My advice: Don't do that. I suggest finding a balance. (eg; sitting, reading, standing, listening, dancing, drinking).

Told ya so. 

You're Gonna Be Fine
Seriously. Whether you decide to go to law school, or not. Whether you go for a year and drop out, or you stay the whole damn time. Through finals, anxiety attacks, all nighters and much much more. You will come out of this shit show alive.

My advice: Take a crappy situation and make it less crappy. (See below)

Matching "I Believe in Santa" shirts for 1L finals first semester. 

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I'm sure there's more, but my ADHD caught up with me sooooooo I'm bored with my own topic.

Now that Bar hell is in full swing, I will try and limit the advice/suggestions/complaining to a dull roar and stick to the main purpose of this blog-- cluing you in to the funny/ridiculous/inappropriate crap that occupies my life.

Finals... Brain... Squish

I have one more final (9 hour final), but here is a short list of stupid stupid STUPID things I've done during the last two weeks. Laugh at me. It will make you feel good.

First, I had five finals.

Employment:



Arbitration:




Ethics:




Juvenile Justice:




International Legal Order:




Top Five Final's Brain Failure Results:

1. Logic Goes Bye-bye - Walked up to my friends car (she was picking me up) and spent two minutes trying to open the passenger door with my keys. I don't know what is worse. The fact the the door was unlocked? The fact that it wasn't my car? or the fact that she didn't try and stop me? Also, I went to the post office to mail a package and accidentally tried to walk away with out paying.
The lady screams "can you please pay me?".
I said "Uh... yeah. Woops. I forgot."
She said, "You forgot to pay?"
"Yup."

2. Creative meals - One breakfast I had was left over KFC chicken(don't judge), Cheese Its, Honey Noosa Greek Yogurt, and OJ. One lunch consisted of a package of seaweed snacks from whole foods and a piece of tiramisu. Yesterday I had slices of romaine lettuce dipped in olive oil and vinegar. When I realized that was not filling (surprise) I had some honey. No that's it.... I just ate honey.

3. Outfits - I have Colorado law sweat pants and a Colorado law sweatshirt. They are the exact same color - medium gray. I guess wearing them together in true jumpsuit fashion is not encouraged. As discussed in a previous post, I ripped my jeans (and didn't really care.) Two days ago, I some how forgot underwear. Entirely. Just forgot.

4. Everything is funny - The stupidest crap on the internet will have me in tears. Granted the regular hilarious sites like The Oatmeal and Hyperbole and a Half, are excellent for study breaks, but I found this funny: Stupid Crap. Seriously?

5. Emotional Instability: Cry, laugh, scream, drink, repeat. I cried during The Sing Off. I guess I was emotionally moved. I eat everything one day, then nothing the next, but always find room to have a glass of wine. I yelled at my computer for taking too long to load my email (not any longer than usual.) I yelled at the boyfriend for dancing weird. I yelled at the best friend for listening to a song on the radio that I thought sucked. Then yelled at him some more for not liking what I wanted to listen to.

Lastly, my foot is asleep. And that makes me angry. I will go eat more Cheese-its and imagine myself consuming all the alcohol distributed to the Boulder area in T-minus 27 hours.

Its the Final Countdown!