Stop. Motivate and Listen.

Soooooo the July 2013 bar exam is in 7 days. It's time for the final sprint. 

Imma be like your Red Bull/Starbucks double-shot/caffeine pill/Adderall for the last leg of the race. 
It's time to get motivated. 

"It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile; winning’s winning." 

- Dominic Toretto, The Fast and the Furious (2001)

What should you be doing for the next couple days? Practice all the things. MBE, MEE, and a couple MPTs for good measure. Under timed conditions and/or outlining answers. Whatever.
That's why cheesy sayings like "Practice Makes Perfect" and "Learn by Doing" exist.

I made you this playlist. Get pumped.

BarWinning

*Yeah, I quoted The Fast and the Furious. Wanna fight about it?

Bar(f) Advice: Colorado Bar Exam Helpers

Approxiamtely one month from the February Bar Exam, I opened a fortune cookie with this message: 

This little sign helped me get through bar exam 2.0 without loosing my sanity. Now that my favorite folks are embarking on the road to bar exam hell, it's a good time to dish out some of my marginally inappropriate advice.

According to this random dude's math, Colorado is the 14th Suckiest Bar Exam. I hope to make the whole process suck a liiiiiiittle less by shedding some light on things you might have known, should know, and would probably like to know. According to anxiety managing techniques, the more you know = less game day freak outs soooooo, here ya go:

Pre-Exam

Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn
The July 2013 bar exam will be at the Colorado Convention Center. If you are thinking about getting hotel. Book. That. Shit. Now. If you wait until June or July, everything will either be (1) booked or (2) jacked up to $280 a night.
If you are driving and parking, also consider the other 1,200 people that will be driving to Denver that day. ALL the parking lots fill up.

SoftTest for Dummies
Are you a civilized human and therefore using a laptop to take this exam? Look out for an email that references registering your computer with SofTest. This is not the same registration number that you had during law school. That means everyone has to do it.
What happens if you miss the deadline? Sucks, brah. You get to handwrite; 8 damn essays in 6 hours.

Study Buddies
There are many different methods to tackle this beast. Here are some general tips that should help anyone and everyone:
1. Practice Recalling - Figure out what you know and don't know. Flash cards, mapping, and practice essays/MPT/MBE are all great ways to practice recalling. 
2. Don't marathon study - Let me clarify. Don't try and lock yourself in a closet and study for 12 hours a day, everyday. That might have worked for finals, but finals lasts for two weeks. You have over two months of bar prep hell. Don't burn yourself out. Study smart. Watch this short n' sweet video on productivity. It's worth it.
3. What subjects are foreign languages? - I didn't take corporations, agency, wills, trusts, or any other class that seemed insufferable. Didn't take those classes either? Don't panic. You saved yourself an entier semester of mental turmoil trying to learn a subject that you hate. What you should do is start learning some of the essential terms and definitions for those subjects. Knowing some of lingo will make learning the law less daunting. 
4. Multiple choice your worst nightmare? Buy this book. 'Nuff said. 
5. Manage your stress & anxiety - This is super important if you (like me) are stress/anxiety prone. A panic attack won't help you now or later. Try a bar exam anxiety management book like "Bar Exam Mind" by Matt Racine. Not well written, but helpful. 
BONUS: Don't forget how YOUR brain works - Are you an auditory learner? Make sure to watch all those damn videos/lectures. Are you a visual learner? Skip the stupid videos and read the material. For example, I watched all of the videos the first time around aaaaand it was a waste of time because nothing important stuck in my brain.  Don't forget all of the study methods and habits that worked best for you in law school. Don't be afraid to say "Fuck you bar exam course; I know what works best for me."

Exam Day

Airport Security Screening
There is a long list o' crap that you can't bring. Some surprising (and annoying) no-nos include: ear plugs, wrappers on granola bars/gum/food, pens, pencils, watches, headbands and jackets with hoods/pockets. AKA come dressed in a see-through sheath and bring your computer.

You can bring a pencil sharpener, but only on the second day (MBE day.) All of your stuff that is allowed inside must be in a gallon size ziplock bag sooooo all of your medication and tampons are on display for all the world to see!

Instructions for Eternity
Generally you arrive pumped up and ready to attack this beast. Then you realize there are 45 minutes - 1 hour of instructions, finger printing, form filling out, and other mojo killing tasks. It blows.

Hunger Games Countdown
Five minutes before the exam, you are sitting at a long table with friends and randoms waiting for the test o' death to start. Your sealed test booklet is waiting to be cracked open. The head proctor says "I am now setting my clock to 8:59 test time." Then.... you ... wait. In silence. Listening to your own heartbeat in your brain. I don't know why they can't ask everyone if they are ready to begin and then just start the damn thing.

A friend described it as the "Hunger Games Countdown." The moment where you can see the playing field but you aren't allowed to step off of the platform (or you will be blown to bits.) The terrifying silent, sixty-seconds before the exam starts is like an academic version of the Hunger Games.


Lunch Time!
One of the best parts of having a hotel room is having a place to go for lunch. That being said, the Convention Center is big. You can certainly find somewhere to hide (with or without friends) to eat on site. Bringing a lunch is ideal. No lines. No decisions. Just munching. While we are on the topic of food, don't eat too much. You'll get the half-time, 1:00pm sleepies. No bueno.

Post-Exam

Waiting Game
If you think the bar exam is going to suck, wait for the two months of downtime before result are released. The worst thing you can do is spend time thinking about all the mistakes you made. Try and keep it out of sight, outta mind until October. No use stressing about it the whole time. Which leads me to...

The Big "What If"
It is on everyone's mind. "What if I fail?!!!! Then I'll never have a job, my partner will leave me, I will become morbidly obese, I'll have to move in with drug addict and start prostituting on the side to pay rent." 
In the midst of an anxiety attack, it is difficult for your reasonable brain to convince your panic brain that it is (1) hindering the study process with all that damn worrying and (2) it's being unreasonably overdramatic (like a teenager throwing a tantrum.)

One anxiety trick/tactic is to go through all of your bar exam fears, and, for lack of a better term, "solve", all of your fears.
For example:
If I fail this time, I'll lose my job --> Many employers will put you on hold so you can re-take in February. If not, write down a couple areas of non-legal related work that can tide you over for a while. 
If I get an essay on the bar that I don't know... it's over --> False. Lots of people pass who totally blank on an essay. That being said, consider making a "Top Ten Things I Need to Know About Blah" for each area of law. Then, worst case scenario, you can barf out some key words and phrases and at least score a "1" on that essay. (The only time you get a "0" is if you leave the whole thing blank.)

Oooooor are you this guy/gal? 
I'm not worried at all. I'm a fucking baller and I keep nailing all the practice questions. --> Well congrat-u-fucking-lations you cocky basterd. You're right. All of us normal folk are jealous of your lack of anxiety, stress, and general lacksadasical attitude towards the bar. That being said, please shut the fuck up and stop making everyone's life a living hell. Go brag to your dog, parents, or colleagues, but pleeeeeeease, keep it out of bar review courses or happy hour. 

Last, but not least...

I obviously need to leave you with some distractors. Lucky for you, they are mostly motivating distractors (You're welcome.) Although it may seem unproductive to occupy valuable study time with internet videos, it is equally important to keep your head up while staying focused. 

Obviously found this on the internet while procrastinating.

Need a Pep Talk?
Kid President
Daily Affirmations
Thumbs Up

Need to Get Motivated?
How Bad Do You Want It
Motivate
We Live Unbound

Need to Laugh?
Bros at the Bar
Finals Week

Go forth and rock this bitch. I'll see ya'll on the other side. 

"You're Welcome" Part II

As many of you know, I posted THIS blog about my trip to NYC, ethnic life in Boulder, and the crazy trust fund kid's first interaction with a black person.

I had another lovely interaction with a less-than-charming, potbellied pig shaped man a couple days ago. Just to give you the full effect, I attempted to draw a picture of him:

Sir Douchington of Louisville the III

Yes, it was a 50-year-old man; not a 60-year-old pregnant woman.

I was walking to the mailbox to get our weekly, bill-filled loot and this lovely gentleman was sorting through his weekly ads.

Douchington: Hi. 
Me: Hi!
Douchington: Nyyyyyneeeeyyyeehehehhe *something that I can only identify as a horse noise*
Me: Excuse me?
Douchington: Your hair is really cool. 
Me: Thanks

*Pause* At this point, I thought he was just complementing me, but our riveting conversation didn't stop there.

Douchington: Like Lion King.
Me: ... 
Douchington: Like a lion, you know?
Me: ...
Douchington: Cus, your hair is scary. Like, reeeeeeeeally scary.
Me: uhhhh.... Thank you?
Douchington: Can I pet it?

*Pause* Can I  PET IT?????!!!???!! I am not a chia pet. I am not a puppy. I am not a fucking lion.

Me: No thanks, BYE.




Can I move to Denver yet? I'm ready.

5 Stages of Bar(f) Grief

When someone loses something close to them, they often go through the five stages of grief. Each person spends different lengths of time working through each step. Each person will experience each stage more or less intensely than another. Although the five stages do not necessarily occur in order, we often move between stages before achieving the peaceful acceptance of truth. Awareness of each stage can help an individual cope with their loss so they can move on with their life. 

I have lost something important to me. My fellow graduates and I are mourning our loss and relying on each other to keep our heads held high.  

Who have we lost? Her name was Freedom.  We would spend our evenings on Pearl Street looking for the best happy hour in town. We would spend our days soaking up Boulder's sun (or rain... or smoke). Sometimes we would just stay at home and watch an entire season of True Blood while day drinking.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

I miss her... Mostly because it is my fault that she is gone. Although I had the opportunity to keep her around for one last summer, I snubbed my nose and turned the other way.

So now, with my friends and colleagues, we fight through the five states of grief in search of peace.

Denial

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
— Bill Watterson

As the bar exam gets closer and closer, denial is becoming more and more prevalent.

"Psh... I don't have to start memorizing that yet. It's not even July.... 
What's that you say?.... 
It's July 7? ...
.... hmm...
Imma fail."

Sitting alone. In a study room. Cussing at the stupid, mousy woman who is supposedly teaching me Corporations. (I hate her, I hate her, I hate her) How are ALL of the things, in ALL of these books supposed to fit inside inside my tiny ADHD plagued brain? I can't remember what I had for breakfast. How am I supposed to remember the difference between a LLC,  a LLP,  a LP and LMNOP?

This is simply NOT happening.

Anger

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."
— Gloria Steinem

Yesterday I actually punched my law exam book. Punching a book is not smart. My sissy fist lost and my hand throbbed for the next three hours. I was pissed off at my brain for not understanding mortgages, so I did what any reasonable human would do; I slammed the book shut, punched it will all my might, and cried for ten minutes.

Fuck the Bar Exam. Fuck law. FUCK mortgages.

Bargaining

"Dreams don't come true. Dreams die. Dreams get compromised. Dreams end up dealing meth in a booth at the back of the Olive Garden. Dreams choke to death on bay leaves. Dreams get spleen cancer."
— Douglas Coupland (The Gum Thief)

I can't really start the "bargaining phase" until after the Bar Exam. That's when I will start the two month long spiral of regrets. The imminent realization of all the things I should have done.

The moment when I turn the page and see a Wills & Trusts essay question and think to myself, "Son. of. a. Bitch. All I remember is a testatrix is the lady version of testator. Ooooooh... it's like a dominatrix moonlighting as a wills attorney for the old and decrepit ... in her tiny leather outfit. Then she persuades the old man to convey all of his gaudy gold rings and man thongs to her.... DAMNIT BRAIN SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP."

Until that painful moment, I'd like to address the "bargaining phase" in a manner more applicable to my current state of mind:

"Running out of time, running out of time, running out of time... Soooooo I'll just ignore those three subjects and spend more time on the other ones. That will make up for not knowing anything about the other three.... right?"

OR

"Ok brain... if you go over that last 10 pages of this God forsaken Wills outline, I will reward you with a beer, ok?"

Depression

"And then something invisible snapped insider her, 

and that which had come together commenced to fall apart."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

"Whyyyyy did I go to law school? I hate myself."

"Whyyyyy didn't I drop out of law school? I am so stooooopid ."

"Whyyyyy am I taking this test? I clearly enjoy pain and suffering."

"Whyyyyy did I go out drinking? IT'S LIKE YOU ARE AIMING FOR FAILURE."

The "depression" section really doesn't need it's own section. Isn't this implied for every stage of grief?

Acceptance

"For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain."
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I got my admittance badge in the mail yesterday. Seat number 999 (666 upside down, soooo yet another sign that I am destined to fail).

This is really happening, isn't it?

The last 21 years of school finally amounts to this one, single, shit-storm of a test? Yup.



With the death of Freedom (R.I.P) in the past, the five stages of grief (Bar Edition) in the present, and seventeen days of study-hell in my future (Imma barf), there is only one thing left to say:

BRING. IT. ON..... BI-OTCH.