The PumpKING is...

Oh my beers, the search is over (for now.) After trying twenty pumpkin beers, the results are in!

RyRy and I set out to find the best pumpkin beer on the market. It seems like every brewery had a newly released, cleverly named pumpkin beer: "Pump My Kin!" "Pumpkin Blumpkin!" "This Beer is Shitty, But You Will Drink It Because We Added 'Pumpkin' to The Title, You Gullible Alcoholic"

After days of dedicated beer drinking, we rated all of the contestants in the following categories:

Flavor: Complex n' delicious or a sugary, watery piss flavored mess?
Aroma: Pumpkin-y? Malty? Nutmeg-y? Cinnamon-y? Nast-y?
Drinkability: Would I want to drink more than one? Essentially the "Smoothness Factor"
ABV: Oh shut up, it's important. Don't judge me.
Overall: Buy it or trash it?

Before anyone gets their panties in a ruffle, I put the hard ciders at the end of the list because of their style, not their taste. Cider obviously can't beat beer in a beer competition, amirite?

To keep things suspenseful, the great pumpkin beer countdown starts at...

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#20 Ace Pumpkin Cider

Flavor: Sweet. More cinnamon spice than pumpkin. 

Aroma: Sugary apple sugarfest

Drinkability: Relatively mild and smooth. 

ABV: 5%

Overall: Meh... the next cider is better...

#19 Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider

Flavor: There is actual pumpkin flavor in it! A dash spicy and less sweet than some of it's counterparts.

Aroma: Pumpkin, spice, and everything nice.

Drinkability: Don't know if I could do more than one or two ciders because of the dessert-esq sweetness. 

ABV: 6.9% - Awesomely boozey. 

Overall: Pretty damn good for a pumpkin (hard) cider. 

 #18  Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat

Flavor: Shitty

Aroma: Shitty

Drinkability: No

ABV: Who cares.

Overall: Just no... I wish I didn't have to put this shitty, shit on the list at all.

#17 Blue Moon Harvest Moon Pumpkin

Flavor: Sweet and... that's about it. 

Aroma: Generic Beer?

Drinkability: Since it is overwhelmingly bland, it would be perfect for Fall beer pong. 

ABV: 5.77%

Overall: Would be an Ok "crowd pleaser." Nothing overly offensive, but certainly not memorable. 

#16 Buffalo Bills America's Original Pumpkin Beer

Flavor: A hint of pumpkin-esq flavor... but mostly cinnamon water with a splash of generic gourd.

Aroma: Molasses and All Spice

Drinkability: I've had worse. If MGD 64 made a pumpkin beer option, it would taste like this (aka even 64 calories doesn't really make this beer worth the time or effort) 

ABV: 5.2%

Overall: BUT it's America's Original Pumpkin Beer!!! ... or something. The light, watery, vegetable-y flavor outweighs the bragging rights that come with being America's original pumpkin beer. 

#15 Shipyard Pumpkinhead 

Flavor: The only reason why this one didn't land on the bottom is because there was an actual (faint) pumpkin flavor. 

Aroma: Wheaty with a dash of nutmeg and a splash of soap. 

Drinkability: Better than a Coors Light, but worse than a most other beers. 

ABV: 5.1%

Overall: I know quite a few folks who recommended this beer. I guess it was tolerable, but compared to all the others, it wasn't that great. It would be a great pumpkin beer for Halloween in Hawaii.

#14 Hoppin Frog Double Pumpkin Ale

Flavor:  Moderately sweet, mildly bitter. Lighter than expected.

Aroma: Clove, malt, cinnamon, nutmeg...  A fellow co-worker would describe it as "Fall as Fuck."

Drinkability: With a high(ish) ABV and its light amber body, I would give it a thumbs up for drinkability. 

ABV: 8.4%

Overall: This is the first beer of the bunch that was really enjoyable. The reason why it landed itself on the lower half of the list is because it didn't taste like pumpkin. It absolutely tasted like Fall (and even a bit like coffee) but it was pretty pumpkin-free for being "double" pumpkin. 

#13 Cisco's Pumple Drumkin

Flavor: A little hoppy, a little malty, a little sweet, a lot fake.

Aroma: Fake pumpkin scent. Imagine a Walmart brand pumpkin herbal, beer tea. 

Drinkability: One is good enough. I can only stand so much liquid potpourri in my mouth. 

ABV: 6.88%

Overall: At least this beer has a decent booze kick. Otherwise it would be lower on the list. I did like the earthiness of this beer. Less light and fluffy than some of the others. 

#12 Saranac Pumpkin Ale

Flavor: Sweet n' full of cinnamon. 

Aroma: Moderately pumpkin "scented." Not real pumpkin. More like a pumpkin candle. 

Drinkability: Totes. 

ABV: 5.4%

Overall: This is another recommended beer. The sweetness factor (without being "balls-y") earns this beer a spot with the other Halloween n' Hawaii beer. If I could fuse summer and pumpkin, this would be it. I like my pumpkin beers to bee more Fall-esq. If I wanted an orange wheat beer, I would buy one.

#11 Lakefront Pumpkin Lager

Flavor: Light, but pleasantly full of pumpkin pie spice. 

Aroma: Mildly sweet. Notes of nutmeg, cinnamon and cardamom.  Smells like Thanksgiving. 

Drinkability: Surprisingly tasty for a lager style pumpkin beer. More please!

ABV: 5.42%

Overall: This was my favorite light pumpkin beer. Sweet, spice and everything nice. On a technical level, I know that creating a solid lager is more difficult that making an over-hopped IPA or a malt-tastic brown. Everything in this beer was extremely balanced. 

#10 Sam Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

Flavor: Ginger, allspice, and a smooth pumpkin flavor. Medium sweetness. 

Aroma: Pumpkin Pie liquified in to beer. 

Drinkability: Definitely a two-fer, but probably too sweet for much more. 

ABV: 5.7%

Overall: Well, hot diggity damn. This is likely my favorite Sam Adams beer. I'm not a big Sam Fan, but they certainly stepped it up a notch for their pumpkin ale. (WAY better than their fall crap ale. It tasted like wet leaves.)

#9 Uinta Punk'n 

Flavor: Generic root vegetable flavor. More similar to carrot cake than pumpkin pie. Gingery.

Aroma: More spice than pumpkin. Light. Crisp. Nothing too overwhelming

Drinkability: Sure. I could have one, or two, or five. 

ABV: 4%

Overall: Stuff tastes pretty dang good. Just doesn't taste overwhelmingly like pumpkin. 

#8 Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

Flavor: Sweet. All the pumpkin spice flavors, but more dessert-y. 

Aroma: Carmel, malt, pumpkin, spice and even a splash o' coffee. 

Drinkability: One and done. Cool weather warmer and dessert all in one. 

ABV: 7%

Overall: Spiced brown ale with extra sweetness. Decent dessert replacement. If there was a beer version of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, this would be it. 

#7 Tommyknocker Pumpkin 

Flavor: Actually tastes like pumpkin. Pumpkin flesh bits. Smells like the moment you start carving a pumpkin fused with a jar of molasses. 

Aroma: Lightly sweet, lightly spicy. Balanced. 

Drinkability: The drinkability definitely moved this gem up the list. The balanced flavor/aroma makes this beer great for a fall dinner side-kick, happy hour, or Sunday Funday. Drink up. 

ABV: 5%

Overall: Starts better than it finishes, but it certainly grows on you. Its versatility is the best part. 

#6 Sam Adams Fat Jack Double Pumpkin

Flavor: PUMPKIN-A-THON. All the flavors of the great pumpkin ales with less sticky sweetness.

Aroma: All the classic pumpkin spices and all the classic fall scents. 

Drinkability: One big boy and you're set. 

ABV: 8.5%

Overall: Sam Adams makes another appearance on the list. Mildly sweet, big pumpkin flavors, and boozy to boot. Damn good stuff. Additionally, the sweet bottle art gives this beer some bonus points.

     TOP FIVE!!    

#5 Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale

Flavor: Sweet pumpkiny goodness. 

Aroma: Pumpkin, carmel, malt, and happiness. 

Drinkability: Take one down, pass it around... NO. I'm not sharing and I'm taking yours. 

ABV: 5.9%

Overall: Many pumpkin beers end up masking the pumpkin with all of the pumpkin spices. The mild spice factor actually made the pumpkin flavors more noticeable.  

#4 Avery Rumpkin

Flavor: Sugary, malty syrup fused with pumpkin pie and rum.  

Aroma: ALCOHOL. With some oak, pumpkin, allspice, and other fall scents. 

Drinkability: Half a beer (at most). Super sweet. 

ABV: 18.1% (This is not a typo... this is practically pumpkin wine)

Overall: This bitch is aged in rum barrels for six months. It's more boozy than a glass of red wine. It smells like a classy bum's breath after a Thanksgiving meal. Even though I think Avery, as per usual, over did the ABV for beer, this shit is DELICIOUS. 

#3 Upslope Pumpkin Ale

Flavor: Less sweet, more spice n' pumpkin. 

Aroma: Carmel, brown sugar, pumpkin spice...  (I wish I had a recipe for pumpkin beer pie.)

Drinkability: The biggie cans give it extra drinkability points. Pack that pumpkin beer To. Go. 

ABV: 7.7%

Overall: Last year, this was my unoficial numero uno by a billion percent. I think a bit of the pumpkin deliciousness got lost when they altered the recipe for canning. That being said, I love Upslope, I love their pumpkin beer, and I love their sweet ass biggie cans. 

#2  Jolly Pumpkin La Parcela

I (clearly) didn't take this photo. "Borrowed" it from the internet 'cus I forgot to take one. 

Flavor: Lil' hoppy, pumpkin, lemon, tart n' malty at the same time. (How do they do it??)

Aroma: Malty, tart, sour, pumpkin, cinnamon, winning.

Drinkability: I don't know... It tastes relatively light, but also unique.

ABV: 5.9%

Overall: Not your traditional pumpkin beer, but it is amaze-balls. It's a mildly sour ale, but still has a strong punch of spice and pumpkin. Plus, the brewery is "Jolly Pumpkin" and, although they've been around for a while (try the Rioja), this is the first year they made a pumpkin brew. Brilliant. 

#1  Elysian The Great Pumpkin Imperial Ale

Flavor: Big pumpkin flavor mixed with all the fancy fall spices, dark carmel, pepper, and a bit of hop.

Aroma: Cinnamon, nutmeg, clove. Spicy sweet goodness. 

Drinkability: All of it. Everything. 

ABV: 8.1%

Overall: This was the first Imperial pumpkin ale on the market. I am happy to report; they fucking nailed it. Elysian brewery has a couple GABF winners, and this is one of them. This recipe balances all the main requirements for a tasty pumpkin beer: Sweet, but not Aunt Jemimah syrup sweet. Spicy, but not a liquid spice rack. Most of all, real pumpkin aroma and flavor. I hate beer that's similar to chugging the wax of a"Autumn Harvest" candle. 

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Well that's it folks.... 

Go forth and get tanked on boozy gourds. 

"You're Welcome"

After a summer monopolized by the Bar Exam, I've returned to the "adult" daily grind:

coffee, coffee, coffee, work, work, work, coffee, work, wine, coma, repeat

Luckily, I was able to squeeze in a mini vacation: NEW YORK CI-TAAAAAAY. I was prepared for amazing performances, greasy street food and gallons of wine. I wasn't prepared for the much appreciated culture shock. You know what I mean...

BLACK PEOPLE!!! 

Cast Member of Fuerza Bruta and I. 

Ok, ok, not just black people... There were lots of Orthodox Jewish Rabbis, tiny Asian tourists, and generic fat people too! The Great American Melting Pot is alive and I loved every minute of it. But, vacations end and life goes on. Back to the Boulder Bubble. Back to the sea of blonde hair, blue eyes, washboard abs and nonfat almond milk, decaf, lattes with half-a-packet of Splenda. 

My recent NYC trip probably made my recent Ignorant Boulderite Encounter (IBE) more insufferable than usual.

SOOOOOOOOO,

I was walking in to the law school to clean out my locker. I was feeling refreshed, accomplished, and nostalgic. "Who flippin' cares about the bar exam?! I graduated from laaaaaaw school. I'm cleaning out my laaaaaaaaaw school locker. I'm gonna take a pee break in the laaaaaaaaw school bathroom. Why isn't there a ThAC going on right now? Boo."

I had just stepped out of my car when I see Pasty Broseph #342 skateboarding through the parking lot. He hopped off his skateboard and kick-flipped it in to his hands. The skateboard had a "3 OH 3" sticker on it. He started walking toward me...

Pasty Broseph: Woooooaaaaaaaah!
Me: *staring at his stupid face*
Pasty Broseph: Holy shit, gurl. Is that hair real?
Me: Yup. *commence power-walking like a super important person. So what if I'm wearing a T-Shirt that says "I Believe in Santa"*
Pasty Broseph: Fuck yeah, gurl! Are you black or something? Or Mexican?
Me: ... Really? Seriously?
Pasty Broseph: You're probably black, huh..?
Me: Yeah... Gotta go soooo...
Pasty Broseph: Ok, ok, BLACK POWER, amirite?
Me: ????????  Uhhh... You're welcome? *power-walk away*

I'm not sure why I said "You're welcome." I was giving him his (likely) first experience interacting with someone darker than Nicole Kidman. I was responding to his distorted version of "Thank you" (aka "Black Power")


Needless to say, I was pissed. What do Boulder kids learn in schools? Crocheting 102? Organic Gardening 305? Trust Fund Spending 501?


Dear Boulder, 

Pay for some non-white people to attend your Elementary, Middle and High Schools. You can afford it. The kids need it. 

Love, 
A Black Person

5 Stages of Bar(f) Grief

When someone loses something close to them, they often go through the five stages of grief. Each person spends different lengths of time working through each step. Each person will experience each stage more or less intensely than another. Although the five stages do not necessarily occur in order, we often move between stages before achieving the peaceful acceptance of truth. Awareness of each stage can help an individual cope with their loss so they can move on with their life. 

I have lost something important to me. My fellow graduates and I are mourning our loss and relying on each other to keep our heads held high.  

Who have we lost? Her name was Freedom.  We would spend our evenings on Pearl Street looking for the best happy hour in town. We would spend our days soaking up Boulder's sun (or rain... or smoke). Sometimes we would just stay at home and watch an entire season of True Blood while day drinking.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

I miss her... Mostly because it is my fault that she is gone. Although I had the opportunity to keep her around for one last summer, I snubbed my nose and turned the other way.

So now, with my friends and colleagues, we fight through the five states of grief in search of peace.

Denial

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
— Bill Watterson

As the bar exam gets closer and closer, denial is becoming more and more prevalent.

"Psh... I don't have to start memorizing that yet. It's not even July.... 
What's that you say?.... 
It's July 7? ...
.... hmm...
Imma fail."

Sitting alone. In a study room. Cussing at the stupid, mousy woman who is supposedly teaching me Corporations. (I hate her, I hate her, I hate her) How are ALL of the things, in ALL of these books supposed to fit inside inside my tiny ADHD plagued brain? I can't remember what I had for breakfast. How am I supposed to remember the difference between a LLC,  a LLP,  a LP and LMNOP?

This is simply NOT happening.

Anger

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."
— Gloria Steinem

Yesterday I actually punched my law exam book. Punching a book is not smart. My sissy fist lost and my hand throbbed for the next three hours. I was pissed off at my brain for not understanding mortgages, so I did what any reasonable human would do; I slammed the book shut, punched it will all my might, and cried for ten minutes.

Fuck the Bar Exam. Fuck law. FUCK mortgages.

Bargaining

"Dreams don't come true. Dreams die. Dreams get compromised. Dreams end up dealing meth in a booth at the back of the Olive Garden. Dreams choke to death on bay leaves. Dreams get spleen cancer."
— Douglas Coupland (The Gum Thief)

I can't really start the "bargaining phase" until after the Bar Exam. That's when I will start the two month long spiral of regrets. The imminent realization of all the things I should have done.

The moment when I turn the page and see a Wills & Trusts essay question and think to myself, "Son. of. a. Bitch. All I remember is a testatrix is the lady version of testator. Ooooooh... it's like a dominatrix moonlighting as a wills attorney for the old and decrepit ... in her tiny leather outfit. Then she persuades the old man to convey all of his gaudy gold rings and man thongs to her.... DAMNIT BRAIN SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP."

Until that painful moment, I'd like to address the "bargaining phase" in a manner more applicable to my current state of mind:

"Running out of time, running out of time, running out of time... Soooooo I'll just ignore those three subjects and spend more time on the other ones. That will make up for not knowing anything about the other three.... right?"

OR

"Ok brain... if you go over that last 10 pages of this God forsaken Wills outline, I will reward you with a beer, ok?"

Depression

"And then something invisible snapped insider her, 

and that which had come together commenced to fall apart."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

"Whyyyyy did I go to law school? I hate myself."

"Whyyyyy didn't I drop out of law school? I am so stooooopid ."

"Whyyyyy am I taking this test? I clearly enjoy pain and suffering."

"Whyyyyy did I go out drinking? IT'S LIKE YOU ARE AIMING FOR FAILURE."

The "depression" section really doesn't need it's own section. Isn't this implied for every stage of grief?

Acceptance

"For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain."
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I got my admittance badge in the mail yesterday. Seat number 999 (666 upside down, soooo yet another sign that I am destined to fail).

This is really happening, isn't it?

The last 21 years of school finally amounts to this one, single, shit-storm of a test? Yup.



With the death of Freedom (R.I.P) in the past, the five stages of grief (Bar Edition) in the present, and seventeen days of study-hell in my future (Imma barf), there is only one thing left to say:

BRING. IT. ON..... BI-OTCH. 

Droppin' Post-Graduation Knowledge

I graduated law school. Hooray?

Ok, ok I am ecstatic, but I still have the dreaded bar exam looming over me.

This post is dedicated to shining a light on what I learned over the past three years. I will also offer a bit of advice for future law students, 2Ls and 3Ls.

Law School Grades are Bullshit
If you think that a year of non-stop studying, sobriety and diligence will get you straight As, you are wrong. When I spent the majority of class time on gchat, failed to purchase the book, and attended class three drinks deep, I scored that prize "A". The classes that I spent countless hours outlining, reading supplements and taking notes resulted in disappointment, tears, and streams of curse words.

Arbitrary Grades! FTW!

My Advice: Do you work, show up to class, blah blah blah, but don't sacrifice your last three years of college (2.0) to be a slave to the books.


Law School = High School with More Alcohol. 
We have lockers. We make best friends. There is drama. We drink. That makes more drama... we drink more.

On the aforementioned lockers with friends.

My advice: You are shit out of luck, princess. Unless you are over 40, a recluse, or simply the most boring person on the planet, you will get sucked in to the Jersey Shore-esq bullshit. Just ride the roller coaster o' craziness and hold on tight

Work Hard, Play Harder
I wasn't kidding. Have some damn fun.

Bonus: Maybe my undergrad was prudish, but I didn't know it was possible to have the school pay for booze. Granted it is usually at a reception or hosted by a student group, but come on. Weekly. Free. Alcohol.

Margarita n' Mustashio

My advice: Don't take Friday classes. I don't care if it's Advanced Coloring. You're usually brain dead by Friday anyway. (I sure as hell was.)


Appreciate and Recognize
The first thing law school did was turn me in it a heinous, argumentative bitch. I argue about EVERYTHING. That isn't the main point. It is recognizing that I've turned in to an argumentative, snarky mutha' trucker and appreciating all of you that put up with me during the process.

My advice: Suck it up and apologize. Let's be real; it was probably my fault.


Non-Law School Buddies are Mandatory
Not permissive, optional, suggested or implied. MAND-A-FUCKIN'-TORY. Why? Because you will remember that the stupid shit you say and do are not tolerated, encouraged or even comprehensible in the regular non-legal world. For example:

Have you ever listed out points of an argument? "One, you were late. Two, you forgot the flowers. Three, this is the second time this has happened in a week, Four, you smell like ass..."

Fellow cast members from the musical, The Wild Party.

My advice:  I think it's pretty clear on this topic, don't you?

Get Up

If you fell victim to the "freshman fifteen" get your fat jeans ready for the "first year forty." Transferring to a day full of sitting, reading, sitting, listening, sitting, drinking will double your pant size in no time. Seriously though... I blimped like Oprah after a fad diet.

My advice: Don't do that. I suggest finding a balance. (eg; sitting, reading, standing, listening, dancing, drinking).

Told ya so. 

You're Gonna Be Fine
Seriously. Whether you decide to go to law school, or not. Whether you go for a year and drop out, or you stay the whole damn time. Through finals, anxiety attacks, all nighters and much much more. You will come out of this shit show alive.

My advice: Take a crappy situation and make it less crappy. (See below)

Matching "I Believe in Santa" shirts for 1L finals first semester. 

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I'm sure there's more, but my ADHD caught up with me sooooooo I'm bored with my own topic.

Now that Bar hell is in full swing, I will try and limit the advice/suggestions/complaining to a dull roar and stick to the main purpose of this blog-- cluing you in to the funny/ridiculous/inappropriate crap that occupies my life.