5 Stages of Bar(f) Grief

When someone loses something close to them, they often go through the five stages of grief. Each person spends different lengths of time working through each step. Each person will experience each stage more or less intensely than another. Although the five stages do not necessarily occur in order, we often move between stages before achieving the peaceful acceptance of truth. Awareness of each stage can help an individual cope with their loss so they can move on with their life. 

I have lost something important to me. My fellow graduates and I are mourning our loss and relying on each other to keep our heads held high.  

Who have we lost? Her name was Freedom.  We would spend our evenings on Pearl Street looking for the best happy hour in town. We would spend our days soaking up Boulder's sun (or rain... or smoke). Sometimes we would just stay at home and watch an entire season of True Blood while day drinking.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

I miss her... Mostly because it is my fault that she is gone. Although I had the opportunity to keep her around for one last summer, I snubbed my nose and turned the other way.

So now, with my friends and colleagues, we fight through the five states of grief in search of peace.

Denial

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
— Bill Watterson

As the bar exam gets closer and closer, denial is becoming more and more prevalent.

"Psh... I don't have to start memorizing that yet. It's not even July.... 
What's that you say?.... 
It's July 7? ...
.... hmm...
Imma fail."

Sitting alone. In a study room. Cussing at the stupid, mousy woman who is supposedly teaching me Corporations. (I hate her, I hate her, I hate her) How are ALL of the things, in ALL of these books supposed to fit inside inside my tiny ADHD plagued brain? I can't remember what I had for breakfast. How am I supposed to remember the difference between a LLC,  a LLP,  a LP and LMNOP?

This is simply NOT happening.

Anger

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."
— Gloria Steinem

Yesterday I actually punched my law exam book. Punching a book is not smart. My sissy fist lost and my hand throbbed for the next three hours. I was pissed off at my brain for not understanding mortgages, so I did what any reasonable human would do; I slammed the book shut, punched it will all my might, and cried for ten minutes.

Fuck the Bar Exam. Fuck law. FUCK mortgages.

Bargaining

"Dreams don't come true. Dreams die. Dreams get compromised. Dreams end up dealing meth in a booth at the back of the Olive Garden. Dreams choke to death on bay leaves. Dreams get spleen cancer."
— Douglas Coupland (The Gum Thief)

I can't really start the "bargaining phase" until after the Bar Exam. That's when I will start the two month long spiral of regrets. The imminent realization of all the things I should have done.

The moment when I turn the page and see a Wills & Trusts essay question and think to myself, "Son. of. a. Bitch. All I remember is a testatrix is the lady version of testator. Ooooooh... it's like a dominatrix moonlighting as a wills attorney for the old and decrepit ... in her tiny leather outfit. Then she persuades the old man to convey all of his gaudy gold rings and man thongs to her.... DAMNIT BRAIN SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP."

Until that painful moment, I'd like to address the "bargaining phase" in a manner more applicable to my current state of mind:

"Running out of time, running out of time, running out of time... Soooooo I'll just ignore those three subjects and spend more time on the other ones. That will make up for not knowing anything about the other three.... right?"

OR

"Ok brain... if you go over that last 10 pages of this God forsaken Wills outline, I will reward you with a beer, ok?"

Depression

"And then something invisible snapped insider her, 

and that which had come together commenced to fall apart."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

"Whyyyyy did I go to law school? I hate myself."

"Whyyyyy didn't I drop out of law school? I am so stooooopid ."

"Whyyyyy am I taking this test? I clearly enjoy pain and suffering."

"Whyyyyy did I go out drinking? IT'S LIKE YOU ARE AIMING FOR FAILURE."

The "depression" section really doesn't need it's own section. Isn't this implied for every stage of grief?

Acceptance

"For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain."
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I got my admittance badge in the mail yesterday. Seat number 999 (666 upside down, soooo yet another sign that I am destined to fail).

This is really happening, isn't it?

The last 21 years of school finally amounts to this one, single, shit-storm of a test? Yup.



With the death of Freedom (R.I.P) in the past, the five stages of grief (Bar Edition) in the present, and seventeen days of study-hell in my future (Imma barf), there is only one thing left to say:

BRING. IT. ON..... BI-OTCH.