Bar(f) Advice: Colorado Bar Exam Helpers

Approxiamtely one month from the February Bar Exam, I opened a fortune cookie with this message: 

This little sign helped me get through bar exam 2.0 without loosing my sanity. Now that my favorite folks are embarking on the road to bar exam hell, it's a good time to dish out some of my marginally inappropriate advice.

According to this random dude's math, Colorado is the 14th Suckiest Bar Exam. I hope to make the whole process suck a liiiiiiittle less by shedding some light on things you might have known, should know, and would probably like to know. According to anxiety managing techniques, the more you know = less game day freak outs soooooo, here ya go:

Pre-Exam

Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn
The July 2013 bar exam will be at the Colorado Convention Center. If you are thinking about getting hotel. Book. That. Shit. Now. If you wait until June or July, everything will either be (1) booked or (2) jacked up to $280 a night.
If you are driving and parking, also consider the other 1,200 people that will be driving to Denver that day. ALL the parking lots fill up.

SoftTest for Dummies
Are you a civilized human and therefore using a laptop to take this exam? Look out for an email that references registering your computer with SofTest. This is not the same registration number that you had during law school. That means everyone has to do it.
What happens if you miss the deadline? Sucks, brah. You get to handwrite; 8 damn essays in 6 hours.

Study Buddies
There are many different methods to tackle this beast. Here are some general tips that should help anyone and everyone:
1. Practice Recalling - Figure out what you know and don't know. Flash cards, mapping, and practice essays/MPT/MBE are all great ways to practice recalling. 
2. Don't marathon study - Let me clarify. Don't try and lock yourself in a closet and study for 12 hours a day, everyday. That might have worked for finals, but finals lasts for two weeks. You have over two months of bar prep hell. Don't burn yourself out. Study smart. Watch this short n' sweet video on productivity. It's worth it.
3. What subjects are foreign languages? - I didn't take corporations, agency, wills, trusts, or any other class that seemed insufferable. Didn't take those classes either? Don't panic. You saved yourself an entier semester of mental turmoil trying to learn a subject that you hate. What you should do is start learning some of the essential terms and definitions for those subjects. Knowing some of lingo will make learning the law less daunting. 
4. Multiple choice your worst nightmare? Buy this book. 'Nuff said. 
5. Manage your stress & anxiety - This is super important if you (like me) are stress/anxiety prone. A panic attack won't help you now or later. Try a bar exam anxiety management book like "Bar Exam Mind" by Matt Racine. Not well written, but helpful. 
BONUS: Don't forget how YOUR brain works - Are you an auditory learner? Make sure to watch all those damn videos/lectures. Are you a visual learner? Skip the stupid videos and read the material. For example, I watched all of the videos the first time around aaaaand it was a waste of time because nothing important stuck in my brain.  Don't forget all of the study methods and habits that worked best for you in law school. Don't be afraid to say "Fuck you bar exam course; I know what works best for me."

Exam Day

Airport Security Screening
There is a long list o' crap that you can't bring. Some surprising (and annoying) no-nos include: ear plugs, wrappers on granola bars/gum/food, pens, pencils, watches, headbands and jackets with hoods/pockets. AKA come dressed in a see-through sheath and bring your computer.

You can bring a pencil sharpener, but only on the second day (MBE day.) All of your stuff that is allowed inside must be in a gallon size ziplock bag sooooo all of your medication and tampons are on display for all the world to see!

Instructions for Eternity
Generally you arrive pumped up and ready to attack this beast. Then you realize there are 45 minutes - 1 hour of instructions, finger printing, form filling out, and other mojo killing tasks. It blows.

Hunger Games Countdown
Five minutes before the exam, you are sitting at a long table with friends and randoms waiting for the test o' death to start. Your sealed test booklet is waiting to be cracked open. The head proctor says "I am now setting my clock to 8:59 test time." Then.... you ... wait. In silence. Listening to your own heartbeat in your brain. I don't know why they can't ask everyone if they are ready to begin and then just start the damn thing.

A friend described it as the "Hunger Games Countdown." The moment where you can see the playing field but you aren't allowed to step off of the platform (or you will be blown to bits.) The terrifying silent, sixty-seconds before the exam starts is like an academic version of the Hunger Games.


Lunch Time!
One of the best parts of having a hotel room is having a place to go for lunch. That being said, the Convention Center is big. You can certainly find somewhere to hide (with or without friends) to eat on site. Bringing a lunch is ideal. No lines. No decisions. Just munching. While we are on the topic of food, don't eat too much. You'll get the half-time, 1:00pm sleepies. No bueno.

Post-Exam

Waiting Game
If you think the bar exam is going to suck, wait for the two months of downtime before result are released. The worst thing you can do is spend time thinking about all the mistakes you made. Try and keep it out of sight, outta mind until October. No use stressing about it the whole time. Which leads me to...

The Big "What If"
It is on everyone's mind. "What if I fail?!!!! Then I'll never have a job, my partner will leave me, I will become morbidly obese, I'll have to move in with drug addict and start prostituting on the side to pay rent." 
In the midst of an anxiety attack, it is difficult for your reasonable brain to convince your panic brain that it is (1) hindering the study process with all that damn worrying and (2) it's being unreasonably overdramatic (like a teenager throwing a tantrum.)

One anxiety trick/tactic is to go through all of your bar exam fears, and, for lack of a better term, "solve", all of your fears.
For example:
If I fail this time, I'll lose my job --> Many employers will put you on hold so you can re-take in February. If not, write down a couple areas of non-legal related work that can tide you over for a while. 
If I get an essay on the bar that I don't know... it's over --> False. Lots of people pass who totally blank on an essay. That being said, consider making a "Top Ten Things I Need to Know About Blah" for each area of law. Then, worst case scenario, you can barf out some key words and phrases and at least score a "1" on that essay. (The only time you get a "0" is if you leave the whole thing blank.)

Oooooor are you this guy/gal? 
I'm not worried at all. I'm a fucking baller and I keep nailing all the practice questions. --> Well congrat-u-fucking-lations you cocky basterd. You're right. All of us normal folk are jealous of your lack of anxiety, stress, and general lacksadasical attitude towards the bar. That being said, please shut the fuck up and stop making everyone's life a living hell. Go brag to your dog, parents, or colleagues, but pleeeeeeease, keep it out of bar review courses or happy hour. 

Last, but not least...

I obviously need to leave you with some distractors. Lucky for you, they are mostly motivating distractors (You're welcome.) Although it may seem unproductive to occupy valuable study time with internet videos, it is equally important to keep your head up while staying focused. 

Obviously found this on the internet while procrastinating.

Need a Pep Talk?
Kid President
Daily Affirmations
Thumbs Up

Need to Get Motivated?
How Bad Do You Want It
Motivate
We Live Unbound

Need to Laugh?
Bros at the Bar
Finals Week

Go forth and rock this bitch. I'll see ya'll on the other side.