Stop. Motivate and Listen.

Soooooo the July 2013 bar exam is in 7 days. It's time for the final sprint. 

Imma be like your Red Bull/Starbucks double-shot/caffeine pill/Adderall for the last leg of the race. 
It's time to get motivated. 

"It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile; winning’s winning." 

- Dominic Toretto, The Fast and the Furious (2001)

What should you be doing for the next couple days? Practice all the things. MBE, MEE, and a couple MPTs for good measure. Under timed conditions and/or outlining answers. Whatever.
That's why cheesy sayings like "Practice Makes Perfect" and "Learn by Doing" exist.

I made you this playlist. Get pumped.

BarWinning

*Yeah, I quoted The Fast and the Furious. Wanna fight about it?

Bar(f) Advice: Colorado Bar Exam Helpers

Approxiamtely one month from the February Bar Exam, I opened a fortune cookie with this message: 

This little sign helped me get through bar exam 2.0 without loosing my sanity. Now that my favorite folks are embarking on the road to bar exam hell, it's a good time to dish out some of my marginally inappropriate advice.

According to this random dude's math, Colorado is the 14th Suckiest Bar Exam. I hope to make the whole process suck a liiiiiiittle less by shedding some light on things you might have known, should know, and would probably like to know. According to anxiety managing techniques, the more you know = less game day freak outs soooooo, here ya go:

Pre-Exam

Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn
The July 2013 bar exam will be at the Colorado Convention Center. If you are thinking about getting hotel. Book. That. Shit. Now. If you wait until June or July, everything will either be (1) booked or (2) jacked up to $280 a night.
If you are driving and parking, also consider the other 1,200 people that will be driving to Denver that day. ALL the parking lots fill up.

SoftTest for Dummies
Are you a civilized human and therefore using a laptop to take this exam? Look out for an email that references registering your computer with SofTest. This is not the same registration number that you had during law school. That means everyone has to do it.
What happens if you miss the deadline? Sucks, brah. You get to handwrite; 8 damn essays in 6 hours.

Study Buddies
There are many different methods to tackle this beast. Here are some general tips that should help anyone and everyone:
1. Practice Recalling - Figure out what you know and don't know. Flash cards, mapping, and practice essays/MPT/MBE are all great ways to practice recalling. 
2. Don't marathon study - Let me clarify. Don't try and lock yourself in a closet and study for 12 hours a day, everyday. That might have worked for finals, but finals lasts for two weeks. You have over two months of bar prep hell. Don't burn yourself out. Study smart. Watch this short n' sweet video on productivity. It's worth it.
3. What subjects are foreign languages? - I didn't take corporations, agency, wills, trusts, or any other class that seemed insufferable. Didn't take those classes either? Don't panic. You saved yourself an entier semester of mental turmoil trying to learn a subject that you hate. What you should do is start learning some of the essential terms and definitions for those subjects. Knowing some of lingo will make learning the law less daunting. 
4. Multiple choice your worst nightmare? Buy this book. 'Nuff said. 
5. Manage your stress & anxiety - This is super important if you (like me) are stress/anxiety prone. A panic attack won't help you now or later. Try a bar exam anxiety management book like "Bar Exam Mind" by Matt Racine. Not well written, but helpful. 
BONUS: Don't forget how YOUR brain works - Are you an auditory learner? Make sure to watch all those damn videos/lectures. Are you a visual learner? Skip the stupid videos and read the material. For example, I watched all of the videos the first time around aaaaand it was a waste of time because nothing important stuck in my brain.  Don't forget all of the study methods and habits that worked best for you in law school. Don't be afraid to say "Fuck you bar exam course; I know what works best for me."

Exam Day

Airport Security Screening
There is a long list o' crap that you can't bring. Some surprising (and annoying) no-nos include: ear plugs, wrappers on granola bars/gum/food, pens, pencils, watches, headbands and jackets with hoods/pockets. AKA come dressed in a see-through sheath and bring your computer.

You can bring a pencil sharpener, but only on the second day (MBE day.) All of your stuff that is allowed inside must be in a gallon size ziplock bag sooooo all of your medication and tampons are on display for all the world to see!

Instructions for Eternity
Generally you arrive pumped up and ready to attack this beast. Then you realize there are 45 minutes - 1 hour of instructions, finger printing, form filling out, and other mojo killing tasks. It blows.

Hunger Games Countdown
Five minutes before the exam, you are sitting at a long table with friends and randoms waiting for the test o' death to start. Your sealed test booklet is waiting to be cracked open. The head proctor says "I am now setting my clock to 8:59 test time." Then.... you ... wait. In silence. Listening to your own heartbeat in your brain. I don't know why they can't ask everyone if they are ready to begin and then just start the damn thing.

A friend described it as the "Hunger Games Countdown." The moment where you can see the playing field but you aren't allowed to step off of the platform (or you will be blown to bits.) The terrifying silent, sixty-seconds before the exam starts is like an academic version of the Hunger Games.


Lunch Time!
One of the best parts of having a hotel room is having a place to go for lunch. That being said, the Convention Center is big. You can certainly find somewhere to hide (with or without friends) to eat on site. Bringing a lunch is ideal. No lines. No decisions. Just munching. While we are on the topic of food, don't eat too much. You'll get the half-time, 1:00pm sleepies. No bueno.

Post-Exam

Waiting Game
If you think the bar exam is going to suck, wait for the two months of downtime before result are released. The worst thing you can do is spend time thinking about all the mistakes you made. Try and keep it out of sight, outta mind until October. No use stressing about it the whole time. Which leads me to...

The Big "What If"
It is on everyone's mind. "What if I fail?!!!! Then I'll never have a job, my partner will leave me, I will become morbidly obese, I'll have to move in with drug addict and start prostituting on the side to pay rent." 
In the midst of an anxiety attack, it is difficult for your reasonable brain to convince your panic brain that it is (1) hindering the study process with all that damn worrying and (2) it's being unreasonably overdramatic (like a teenager throwing a tantrum.)

One anxiety trick/tactic is to go through all of your bar exam fears, and, for lack of a better term, "solve", all of your fears.
For example:
If I fail this time, I'll lose my job --> Many employers will put you on hold so you can re-take in February. If not, write down a couple areas of non-legal related work that can tide you over for a while. 
If I get an essay on the bar that I don't know... it's over --> False. Lots of people pass who totally blank on an essay. That being said, consider making a "Top Ten Things I Need to Know About Blah" for each area of law. Then, worst case scenario, you can barf out some key words and phrases and at least score a "1" on that essay. (The only time you get a "0" is if you leave the whole thing blank.)

Oooooor are you this guy/gal? 
I'm not worried at all. I'm a fucking baller and I keep nailing all the practice questions. --> Well congrat-u-fucking-lations you cocky basterd. You're right. All of us normal folk are jealous of your lack of anxiety, stress, and general lacksadasical attitude towards the bar. That being said, please shut the fuck up and stop making everyone's life a living hell. Go brag to your dog, parents, or colleagues, but pleeeeeeease, keep it out of bar review courses or happy hour. 

Last, but not least...

I obviously need to leave you with some distractors. Lucky for you, they are mostly motivating distractors (You're welcome.) Although it may seem unproductive to occupy valuable study time with internet videos, it is equally important to keep your head up while staying focused. 

Obviously found this on the internet while procrastinating.

Need a Pep Talk?
Kid President
Daily Affirmations
Thumbs Up

Need to Get Motivated?
How Bad Do You Want It
Motivate
We Live Unbound

Need to Laugh?
Bros at the Bar
Finals Week

Go forth and rock this bitch. I'll see ya'll on the other side. 

"You're Welcome" Part II

As many of you know, I posted THIS blog about my trip to NYC, ethnic life in Boulder, and the crazy trust fund kid's first interaction with a black person.

I had another lovely interaction with a less-than-charming, potbellied pig shaped man a couple days ago. Just to give you the full effect, I attempted to draw a picture of him:

Sir Douchington of Louisville the III

Yes, it was a 50-year-old man; not a 60-year-old pregnant woman.

I was walking to the mailbox to get our weekly, bill-filled loot and this lovely gentleman was sorting through his weekly ads.

Douchington: Hi. 
Me: Hi!
Douchington: Nyyyyyneeeeyyyeehehehhe *something that I can only identify as a horse noise*
Me: Excuse me?
Douchington: Your hair is really cool. 
Me: Thanks

*Pause* At this point, I thought he was just complementing me, but our riveting conversation didn't stop there.

Douchington: Like Lion King.
Me: ... 
Douchington: Like a lion, you know?
Me: ...
Douchington: Cus, your hair is scary. Like, reeeeeeeeally scary.
Me: uhhhh.... Thank you?
Douchington: Can I pet it?

*Pause* Can I  PET IT?????!!!???!! I am not a chia pet. I am not a puppy. I am not a fucking lion.

Me: No thanks, BYE.




Can I move to Denver yet? I'm ready.

Office Hacks: Beerz

***I wrote this short blog back in December and forgot to edit n' post. Scoopsie daisy.***

Sometimes you are in an office and all of a sudden you think, "I have a pseduo-warm beer in my work bag, and I want to drink that immediately."

Sooooo, that never actually happened because... I mean come on... I am a responsible young adult. I drink the beer that is pre-provided in the work fridge.

Seriously though; What do you do when you are at work/office/school or some other completely inappropriate place for drinking beers and you don't have a damn bottle opener? I'm not cool enough to chew the top off like some of you Hercules-teethed freaks out there.

In a moment of alcoholism induced genius, I decided to try some other options:

The Car Key?

FAIL

Scissors?

 FAIL

Staple Remover?

Wait for it...

SUCCESS!

Yeah, yeah...

You're welcome. 

***Disclaimer: Don't fucking drink at work unless your boss is a baller who likes drunk employees. I took these pictures at home because I didn't want to get fired. Obvi.  

The PumpKING is...

Oh my beers, the search is over (for now.) After trying twenty pumpkin beers, the results are in!

RyRy and I set out to find the best pumpkin beer on the market. It seems like every brewery had a newly released, cleverly named pumpkin beer: "Pump My Kin!" "Pumpkin Blumpkin!" "This Beer is Shitty, But You Will Drink It Because We Added 'Pumpkin' to The Title, You Gullible Alcoholic"

After days of dedicated beer drinking, we rated all of the contestants in the following categories:

Flavor: Complex n' delicious or a sugary, watery piss flavored mess?
Aroma: Pumpkin-y? Malty? Nutmeg-y? Cinnamon-y? Nast-y?
Drinkability: Would I want to drink more than one? Essentially the "Smoothness Factor"
ABV: Oh shut up, it's important. Don't judge me.
Overall: Buy it or trash it?

Before anyone gets their panties in a ruffle, I put the hard ciders at the end of the list because of their style, not their taste. Cider obviously can't beat beer in a beer competition, amirite?

To keep things suspenseful, the great pumpkin beer countdown starts at...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#20 Ace Pumpkin Cider

Flavor: Sweet. More cinnamon spice than pumpkin. 

Aroma: Sugary apple sugarfest

Drinkability: Relatively mild and smooth. 

ABV: 5%

Overall: Meh... the next cider is better...

#19 Woodchuck Pumpkin Cider

Flavor: There is actual pumpkin flavor in it! A dash spicy and less sweet than some of it's counterparts.

Aroma: Pumpkin, spice, and everything nice.

Drinkability: Don't know if I could do more than one or two ciders because of the dessert-esq sweetness. 

ABV: 6.9% - Awesomely boozey. 

Overall: Pretty damn good for a pumpkin (hard) cider. 

 #18  Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat

Flavor: Shitty

Aroma: Shitty

Drinkability: No

ABV: Who cares.

Overall: Just no... I wish I didn't have to put this shitty, shit on the list at all.

#17 Blue Moon Harvest Moon Pumpkin

Flavor: Sweet and... that's about it. 

Aroma: Generic Beer?

Drinkability: Since it is overwhelmingly bland, it would be perfect for Fall beer pong. 

ABV: 5.77%

Overall: Would be an Ok "crowd pleaser." Nothing overly offensive, but certainly not memorable. 

#16 Buffalo Bills America's Original Pumpkin Beer

Flavor: A hint of pumpkin-esq flavor... but mostly cinnamon water with a splash of generic gourd.

Aroma: Molasses and All Spice

Drinkability: I've had worse. If MGD 64 made a pumpkin beer option, it would taste like this (aka even 64 calories doesn't really make this beer worth the time or effort) 

ABV: 5.2%

Overall: BUT it's America's Original Pumpkin Beer!!! ... or something. The light, watery, vegetable-y flavor outweighs the bragging rights that come with being America's original pumpkin beer. 

#15 Shipyard Pumpkinhead 

Flavor: The only reason why this one didn't land on the bottom is because there was an actual (faint) pumpkin flavor. 

Aroma: Wheaty with a dash of nutmeg and a splash of soap. 

Drinkability: Better than a Coors Light, but worse than a most other beers. 

ABV: 5.1%

Overall: I know quite a few folks who recommended this beer. I guess it was tolerable, but compared to all the others, it wasn't that great. It would be a great pumpkin beer for Halloween in Hawaii.

#14 Hoppin Frog Double Pumpkin Ale

Flavor:  Moderately sweet, mildly bitter. Lighter than expected.

Aroma: Clove, malt, cinnamon, nutmeg...  A fellow co-worker would describe it as "Fall as Fuck."

Drinkability: With a high(ish) ABV and its light amber body, I would give it a thumbs up for drinkability. 

ABV: 8.4%

Overall: This is the first beer of the bunch that was really enjoyable. The reason why it landed itself on the lower half of the list is because it didn't taste like pumpkin. It absolutely tasted like Fall (and even a bit like coffee) but it was pretty pumpkin-free for being "double" pumpkin. 

#13 Cisco's Pumple Drumkin

Flavor: A little hoppy, a little malty, a little sweet, a lot fake.

Aroma: Fake pumpkin scent. Imagine a Walmart brand pumpkin herbal, beer tea. 

Drinkability: One is good enough. I can only stand so much liquid potpourri in my mouth. 

ABV: 6.88%

Overall: At least this beer has a decent booze kick. Otherwise it would be lower on the list. I did like the earthiness of this beer. Less light and fluffy than some of the others. 

#12 Saranac Pumpkin Ale

Flavor: Sweet n' full of cinnamon. 

Aroma: Moderately pumpkin "scented." Not real pumpkin. More like a pumpkin candle. 

Drinkability: Totes. 

ABV: 5.4%

Overall: This is another recommended beer. The sweetness factor (without being "balls-y") earns this beer a spot with the other Halloween n' Hawaii beer. If I could fuse summer and pumpkin, this would be it. I like my pumpkin beers to bee more Fall-esq. If I wanted an orange wheat beer, I would buy one.

#11 Lakefront Pumpkin Lager

Flavor: Light, but pleasantly full of pumpkin pie spice. 

Aroma: Mildly sweet. Notes of nutmeg, cinnamon and cardamom.  Smells like Thanksgiving. 

Drinkability: Surprisingly tasty for a lager style pumpkin beer. More please!

ABV: 5.42%

Overall: This was my favorite light pumpkin beer. Sweet, spice and everything nice. On a technical level, I know that creating a solid lager is more difficult that making an over-hopped IPA or a malt-tastic brown. Everything in this beer was extremely balanced. 

#10 Sam Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale

Flavor: Ginger, allspice, and a smooth pumpkin flavor. Medium sweetness. 

Aroma: Pumpkin Pie liquified in to beer. 

Drinkability: Definitely a two-fer, but probably too sweet for much more. 

ABV: 5.7%

Overall: Well, hot diggity damn. This is likely my favorite Sam Adams beer. I'm not a big Sam Fan, but they certainly stepped it up a notch for their pumpkin ale. (WAY better than their fall crap ale. It tasted like wet leaves.)

#9 Uinta Punk'n 

Flavor: Generic root vegetable flavor. More similar to carrot cake than pumpkin pie. Gingery.

Aroma: More spice than pumpkin. Light. Crisp. Nothing too overwhelming

Drinkability: Sure. I could have one, or two, or five. 

ABV: 4%

Overall: Stuff tastes pretty dang good. Just doesn't taste overwhelmingly like pumpkin. 

#8 Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

Flavor: Sweet. All the pumpkin spice flavors, but more dessert-y. 

Aroma: Carmel, malt, pumpkin, spice and even a splash o' coffee. 

Drinkability: One and done. Cool weather warmer and dessert all in one. 

ABV: 7%

Overall: Spiced brown ale with extra sweetness. Decent dessert replacement. If there was a beer version of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, this would be it. 

#7 Tommyknocker Pumpkin 

Flavor: Actually tastes like pumpkin. Pumpkin flesh bits. Smells like the moment you start carving a pumpkin fused with a jar of molasses. 

Aroma: Lightly sweet, lightly spicy. Balanced. 

Drinkability: The drinkability definitely moved this gem up the list. The balanced flavor/aroma makes this beer great for a fall dinner side-kick, happy hour, or Sunday Funday. Drink up. 

ABV: 5%

Overall: Starts better than it finishes, but it certainly grows on you. Its versatility is the best part. 

#6 Sam Adams Fat Jack Double Pumpkin

Flavor: PUMPKIN-A-THON. All the flavors of the great pumpkin ales with less sticky sweetness.

Aroma: All the classic pumpkin spices and all the classic fall scents. 

Drinkability: One big boy and you're set. 

ABV: 8.5%

Overall: Sam Adams makes another appearance on the list. Mildly sweet, big pumpkin flavors, and boozy to boot. Damn good stuff. Additionally, the sweet bottle art gives this beer some bonus points.

     TOP FIVE!!    

#5 Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale

Flavor: Sweet pumpkiny goodness. 

Aroma: Pumpkin, carmel, malt, and happiness. 

Drinkability: Take one down, pass it around... NO. I'm not sharing and I'm taking yours. 

ABV: 5.9%

Overall: Many pumpkin beers end up masking the pumpkin with all of the pumpkin spices. The mild spice factor actually made the pumpkin flavors more noticeable.  

#4 Avery Rumpkin

Flavor: Sugary, malty syrup fused with pumpkin pie and rum.  

Aroma: ALCOHOL. With some oak, pumpkin, allspice, and other fall scents. 

Drinkability: Half a beer (at most). Super sweet. 

ABV: 18.1% (This is not a typo... this is practically pumpkin wine)

Overall: This bitch is aged in rum barrels for six months. It's more boozy than a glass of red wine. It smells like a classy bum's breath after a Thanksgiving meal. Even though I think Avery, as per usual, over did the ABV for beer, this shit is DELICIOUS. 

#3 Upslope Pumpkin Ale

Flavor: Less sweet, more spice n' pumpkin. 

Aroma: Carmel, brown sugar, pumpkin spice...  (I wish I had a recipe for pumpkin beer pie.)

Drinkability: The biggie cans give it extra drinkability points. Pack that pumpkin beer To. Go. 

ABV: 7.7%

Overall: Last year, this was my unoficial numero uno by a billion percent. I think a bit of the pumpkin deliciousness got lost when they altered the recipe for canning. That being said, I love Upslope, I love their pumpkin beer, and I love their sweet ass biggie cans. 

#2  Jolly Pumpkin La Parcela

I (clearly) didn't take this photo. "Borrowed" it from the internet 'cus I forgot to take one. 

Flavor: Lil' hoppy, pumpkin, lemon, tart n' malty at the same time. (How do they do it??)

Aroma: Malty, tart, sour, pumpkin, cinnamon, winning.

Drinkability: I don't know... It tastes relatively light, but also unique.

ABV: 5.9%

Overall: Not your traditional pumpkin beer, but it is amaze-balls. It's a mildly sour ale, but still has a strong punch of spice and pumpkin. Plus, the brewery is "Jolly Pumpkin" and, although they've been around for a while (try the Rioja), this is the first year they made a pumpkin brew. Brilliant. 

#1  Elysian The Great Pumpkin Imperial Ale

Flavor: Big pumpkin flavor mixed with all the fancy fall spices, dark carmel, pepper, and a bit of hop.

Aroma: Cinnamon, nutmeg, clove. Spicy sweet goodness. 

Drinkability: All of it. Everything. 

ABV: 8.1%

Overall: This was the first Imperial pumpkin ale on the market. I am happy to report; they fucking nailed it. Elysian brewery has a couple GABF winners, and this is one of them. This recipe balances all the main requirements for a tasty pumpkin beer: Sweet, but not Aunt Jemimah syrup sweet. Spicy, but not a liquid spice rack. Most of all, real pumpkin aroma and flavor. I hate beer that's similar to chugging the wax of a"Autumn Harvest" candle. 

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Well that's it folks.... 

Go forth and get tanked on boozy gourds.